onasteelhorse | an exercise in control (for hunter

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[rp partner]: hunter_returns

an exercise in control (for hunter_returns)

It didn't escape Dean just how fucked up this was. But so was the whole situation, so what the hell, right? If it got Sam back, if it got him to see how that Ruby bitch was fucking with his head and helping him get hooked on something that was going to lead nowhere good... well, Dean could take the fall out. He'd take whatever hate Sam could throw at him, but he wasn't letting his brother damn himself like this.

He wasn't going to let Sammy turn himself into a monster.

So, he found a spell. He hated dealing in magic and witches, but if it all went right... well, it meant he'd have enough pull over Sam to get him to stop until he finished detoxing this time and hopefully realized just what the demon blood was doing to him.

To them both, really.

He was fucking terrified Sam was going to do something stupid, wind up in a worse situation. He couldn't let him, even if it meant betraying him in one of the worst ways.

The spell was cast though and all Dean had to do now was sit back in the tiny motel room and wait for Sam to get back from wherever he slipped off to today. He tried to play it casual, flipping through channels and fought down his nerves and conscience alike.

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Dean had done it for Sam... he didn't regret it. He didn't want Sam to make it right and he damn sure didn't want it at the cost of his brother.

"Sam--" He let out a sigh. So much for a pleasant night, but he can't shy away from this to pretend like they're actually okay with each other. "Do you really think killing her is going to change a damn thing for me? What happened back then?"

A year on his own, mired in grief and guilt and misery. A year of begging anyone who would listen to take him instead. Dean might not regret his choice, bit Sam sure as hell did.

He exhaled, staring down at his bottle. "I don't know. But I have to do something. I have to stop her. After everything she did to you.. I have to."

"It's my fault."

"But it's not, dammit." He sat up, leaning closer to Sam, eyes narrowing on him.

"Sam, I made the deal. It wasn't your fault I couldn't live without you. What the hell's gonna happen if you kill her, Sam?" There's an edge of desperation to his voice now as he reached over to touch his shoulder.

"I just got back and it's like I'm losing you all over again, man. I'm telling you, this road you're on... it's not gonna lead anywhere good."

"It's been my fault since the day Azazel have me his blood. Everything I touch, it falls apart, burns up. Dad, Mom, Jess, you," he choked.

"I have to find some way to make it right. This is the only way." Sam didn't care what happened to him. As long as he found some way to make up for the lives he destroyed.

"You went to Hell because of me. It'll always be on me, Dean. Always."

"I'm not in Hell. I'm right here, Sammy, and what I need right now is my brother... not revenge." Not that he expected that'd work. It hadn't yet.

His hand dropped back to his side and he let out a sigh.

"Does that even matter to you anymore?" It wasn't fair, he knew it, to throw that on Sam. But the distance between them was worse than anything right now, made everything feel that much more crushing and weighty because he was bearing the brunt of it on his on.

Sam rocked back as if he'd been struck.

"Does it matter? Dean that's all that matters. You're out of hell but I can still see it. Every time you wake up from a nightmare, every time you think I'm not looking, I can still see it."

He dragged a hand across his face. "You were in hell. I was alone. What was I supposed to do without you? Pretend everything was fine? It wasn't."

"I can't let this go. Not until she's dead. Until I've pulled her out and made damn sure she can't hurt anyone else."

"You can see it. You can see it. Sam, I'm living with it and even I don't give a shit about that bitch right now. What I care about is you... and I'm sick of fighting with you over this. I'm sick of watching you throw everything away."

And as much as he didn't want to do this, didn't want to control Sam... "Stop seeing Ruby, Sam. Say you will. At least let it be just you and me on this one."

He's sick of fighting. He's finally strong enough to be more than Sammy the burden and Dean is asking him to stop?

"Dean, I," Sam chokes for a moment. "I'll stop seeing Ruby. Just you and me."

His eyes go wide. That.. was not what he'd meant to say. Not even close.

"Dean?"

He thought maybe he could relax if he heard those words, but... no. He can't, because Sam isn't making the choice for him really. He didn't make the choice at all.

"What, Sam?"

He's tired. That's all.

"Nothing. I'm.. I'm gonna grab a shower and go to bed. I don't want to have this fight again."

Soon, this would all be over. Lilith would be dead and then they could finally move on, finally find some peace.

"Yeah, because this is my favorite fight too, Sam." He shook his head, but didn't try to stop him. He's just as tired, just as worn out. What he wants is to try for a few hours sleep.

"Go ahead, go shower."

He got up, heading for the bathroom with a distant frown on his face and it wasn't just the same old fight that was troubling him.

Something felt.. off. Like he couldn't get his shower until he'd been told to. But that was insane, right?

He'd check the wards after his shower. Just to be sure. They were too close to stop now.

If it all went like it should, Sam would... hopefully leave Ruby alone, stick with him at least. Hell, he'd hunt Lilith down, find a way to kill her... fine. Whatever. He just wanted it to be them though, like it's always been and without some bitch corrupting his baby brother.

With some of his worries eased though, he shifted back on the bed and pulled the covers up over him to grab some sleep.

Or try. He wasn't all that convinced he'd get much of it, but he'd try. Better than fighting at least.

What Sam wanted to do was crawl into bed with Dean after his shower. Find some moment of warmth with his arms wrapped around him. He could lie to himself with Ruby in his arms, but Sam wasn’t a fool. He knew that Ruby didn’t care about him, not like that. She was helping him, but she was still a demon.

Still toweling off his hair, Sam tossed his clothes in the laundry duffel, leaving his phone on the table.

buzz

Picking up his phone, he checked the number. Ruby had said she’d call if she had news on Lilith.

So why was he putting the phone down and walking away? She had news, he had to talk to her. Forcing himself to turn around, Sam picked up the phone again.

And turned it off.

What the hell?

His eyes drifted back towards Dean’s bed. No. No, he wouldn’t go there, wouldn’t do that. Not after everything they’d been through.

Right?

“What did you do?”

Dean thought about pretending to be asleep, ignore Sam's question for as long as he could... contrary to what Sam might claim after this, what he'd done had been an absolute last ditch effort to save him. It wasn't settling right... he didn't want his brother to obey his every damn command, take away his choices.

But what could he do when he was doing everything the absolute wrong way? The way that was going to turn him into a monster, into something that won't give Dean a choice in hunting or not?

"What are you talking about?"

Classic evasion, his mind supplied. But there was still a part of Sam that didn’t believe his brother would go that far, to steal away his ability to make a choice. But then again, a lot had changed between them and none of it was good. Sam moved to pick up the phone again, his thumb hovering over the power button and no matter how much he might want to press the button – he couldn’t.

“You heard me. What did you do Dean?”

Taking away his choices. Just like Dad. Deciding for him because everyone knew what was better for him. If anyone would know how badly that would sit with him it would be his own brother.

A vial of blood. It’s stashed in his jacket – emergency supply he’d told himself. Just incase. They were on a dangerous hunt and he needed all the advantages he could get.

And he can’t go get it. Because it’s part of Ruby and he’d told Dean..

The cell phone hit the wall, shattering on impact.

"Jesus, Sam." He sat up at the sudden impact, startled. He shouldn't be, probably. Sam's temper had been through the roof lately and that was saying something.

"Calm down, would you?" He didn't know how to evade this... mostly because lying to Sam never settled right with him. It didn't mean that he didn't know how to do it though, wouldn't do it...

"I've been at the motel all freaking night, Sam. You're the one who was out, remember? Running around with her, doing God only knows what, right?"

He’d had issues with his temper his whole life, why should now be any different?

Leave it to Dean to attack Ruby when all she was doing was making him stronger, making him better. “I’ve been out hunting demons, Dean! Finding out where Lilith is and what seal she’s going to go for next. Cas has got nothing and if he does, he’s not sharing. We’re finishing this job. You don’t like what I can do, don’t trust it but it’s a part of me, Dean. I can do something good with it. Find Lilith and put an end to this.”

Because he had to prove that his power could be for something good. That he wasn’t some monster that their Dad thought he’d be.

“I’m doing the job.”

Yeah, of course that was all she was doing. She wasn't a demon, she wasn't in it for herself some way. Dean'd believe that when Hell freaking froze over. "And I said I'd hunt down Lilith with you, Sam! But I don't trust her... I don't trust you guzzling her blood, alright? And I can't believe you think this is perfectly normal, dammit!"

Pushing himself up, he circled around the bed to stand face to face with Sam, eyes narrowing on him dangerously. "And you just friggin' got back tonight, Sam... you gonna run off with her again already? After you said you wouldn't."

"I'm not going anywhere! But I can't even pick up the phone." There was a time when he would have backed down, even though he was bigger. Dean was his big brother and he'd followed his lead all his life. But not lately. He's strong and he's tired of existing in his shadow.

"Nothing about our lives is normal. I'm doing the job, Dean! I'm doing what has to be done to stop her from setting Lucifer free."

"Well, now you really won't be able to answer it, huh? It's in friggin' pieces, Sam!" He growled, not letting his brother's height deter him. He never had before and he'd be damned if he'd back down now.

"And we'll find another way... or are you forgetting, this is my job, Sam? I'm the one who's supposed to do something, not you!"

For an instant he was stunned into silence. "Your job? Right. Go back to your books Sammy. We don't need you," his voice was thick with a lifetime of resentment. "Just do your research and stay out of the way of the adults, right?"

Sammy the burden. Sammy the nerd. Never Sam the hunter. First the burden to be babysat and then shoved at books to get him out of the way.

"You and Dad shoved me aside my entire life, but you know what? Not this time. I was the one who took out Alistair, remember? And I'm gonna be the one to take out Lilith."

"Not you."

"That what you got from that? Seriously?" He's in Sam's personal space now, glaring at him, because fuck that.

"Being the big guy is worth drinking down demon blood and turning yourself into something you're not, Sam? And don't even start with that-- I never shoved you aside. I've spent my entire life wanting you right there with me, fighting with me, Sam."

"Right. As long as Dad said so. As long as it was his way or the highway. Remember?" It was a cheap shot, but he was too angry to see a clear way out of the argument. "I'm a hunter Dean, I'm doing the job. That's what matters, isn't it?"

That was all that mattered to Dad before the end. What's the difference now? He's doing what he'd been trained to do.

"Even when I didn't want back in."

That got Dean to falter, hurt flashing across his face before he could mask it under another glare. He looked away for a moment, hands clenched tight into fists at his side.

It'd be too easy to take a shot, but Dean resisted that urge.

"Jesus, Sam..." There was so much he could say. So much he wanted to say, but... dammit, he was tired of fighting and seeing who could give the hardest blow next. He shook his head and looked away.

"Forget it. I'm not dealing with this shit, Sam. I've fucked up... I know that I have, alright? I let Dad kick you out and I dragged you back in when you had something good going for you. I get it." Not like he wasn't all too familiar with each of his fuck ups from his time in Hell. They didn't let you forget your failures, forget what you really were down there.

"You resent me or hate me, fine. But I'll be damned if I watch you destroy yourself, Sam."

an exercise in control (for hunter_returns)

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