an exercise in control (for hunter_returns)

[onasteelhorse]

It didn't escape Dean just how fucked up this was. But so was the whole situation, so what the hell, right? If it got Sam back, if it got him to see how that Ruby bitch was fucking with his head and helping him get hooked on something that was going to lead nowhere good... well, Dean could take the fall out. He'd take whatever hate Sam could throw at him, but he wasn't letting his brother damn himself like this.

He wasn't going to let Sammy turn himself into a monster.

So, he found a spell. He hated dealing in magic and witches, but if it all went right... well, it meant he'd have enough pull over Sam to get him to stop until he finished detoxing this time and hopefully realized just what the demon blood was doing to him.

To them both, really.

He was fucking terrified Sam was going to do something stupid, wind up in a worse situation. He couldn't let him, even if it meant betraying him in one of the worst ways.

The spell was cast though and all Dean had to do now was sit back in the tiny motel room and wait for Sam to get back from wherever he slipped off to today. He tried to play it casual, flipping through channels and fought down his nerves and conscience alike.

Comments

[hunter_returns]

Oh god. Everything hurts. Sam moaned against his chest, trying to burrow closer as if Dean could somehow save him from the pain of withdrawal. But he slept well, better than he had in months. "Yeah," he finally grated out. "'s a little better."

[onasteelhorse]

"Good." Lifting a hand, he ran it through the other's sleep mussed hair, smoothing it back down absently.

"I should get up, Sam. You're gonna need to eat, if you can."

[hunter_returns]

The thought of trying to keep down anything that wasn't warm, smoky blood made his stomach churn. But Sam forced himself to nod. He had to get better. For Dean. He had to get better if he was going to find some way of making this right again.

"O-okay. I'll try Dean. I will."

[onasteelhorse]

"I know, Sammy." He smiles a little down at him and for the first time, it's feels a little more genuine. He reaches over, slowly, to ruffle his hair. He's not sure why Sam's not still screaming about how much he hates him and it's a tough memory to forget, but... he'll take this. He'll take Sam trying to get better and whatever happens after? Well, he'll deal with that too.

"Need anything else?"

[hunter_returns]

When Sam remembers what he said in anger, he'll be utterly sick with remorse. But right now his head is muzzy with exhaustion and the withdrawal and it's enough for him to remain focused on the moment. Slowly he shakes his head. HIs throat is parched and he's pretty sure whatever Dean brings him to eat he'll have a hell of a time keeping it down. But he'll try.

"No. 'm okay. Just tired."

[onasteelhorse]

He heads to the bathroom first to clean himself up a little and then comes out, glass of water in hand. Holding it out for Sam, he tilts his head, watching him. Poor guy looks beat down right now...

"Drink this, clean up, and I'll be back in a little bit, okay?"

[hunter_returns]

Dean has every right to kick his ass to the curb for everything, for the way he'd been acting, for being that stubborn and that stupid. God knows that Dad had when push had come to shove (and to blows). Slowly Sam levers himself up. He has to hold the glass with two hands to keep from spilling anything.

"Okay."

He starts with small sips, forcing down every one until the glass is empty. The shower is another matter, but between the spell driving him and sheer Winchester-grade stubbornness, Sam makes it there and back again. By the time Dean returns he's back in bed, pale and shivering.

[onasteelhorse]

Like Dean could ever really kick Sam out of his life. He'd let him go, if he really wanted that, but it'd kill Dean even now. He needed his brother in his life in some way... and it was selfish, he knew it. He's just never been good at letting Sam go though.

When he comes back to see Sam back in bed, shivering and looking even worse for wear, he puts their food down on the table beside the bed and goes to slide an arm around Sam, pulling him in. "Hey, Sammy, come here. You look like you're freezing, dude."

[hunter_returns]

Sam had tried to do things on his own, tried to be strong. Dean had given his life for him, sold his soul to bring him back and he still kept screwing things up. For months he'd tried and the blood gave him direction, gave him purpose. It was the focus he needed to channel his power and do something worthwhile.

And it had all gone wrong.

"Can't.. can't get.. warm," he stammered out, curling himself around Dean in a desperate attempt to try and warm himself.

[onasteelhorse]

Dean let Sam curl into him like he wanted and held him tight, trying to soothe away those chills. He rubbed his hand over Sam's back lightly while the other tugged up the blankets. "Feel better, Sammy?"

[hunter_returns]

The contact helped as much as the warm blankets coming up and over his shoulders. Sam nodded mutely, waiting for the heat to start seeping back into his bones. When he could speak without his teeth chattering, "Yeah. Warmer."

Better? Not really. But demon blood was thick, toxic stuff. It was going to take him awhile to find his way back out.

[onasteelhorse]

"Good." He sighs under the weight of his brother curled around him, holding him close and soothing as much as he could.

"I need you to be strong for me, Sammy. You'll get through this and trust me, you'll feel better."

[hunter_returns]

He can't get to what he needs to make the pain go away. So Sam buries his face against his brother and does his best to believe him. Be strong. Right. A bitter sob tore free. "Never been the strong one Dean. Not like you. Not like Dad."

[onasteelhorse]

"You've always been strong, Sammy," he murmurs, bringing a hand up to brush through his brother's hair, trying to soothe.

"Trust me, I ain't that strong." Otherwise, maybe he would have been able to let Sam go all those times, let him stay in college... not drag him into all of this shit.

[hunter_returns]

"No," he shakes his head, curling in closer and just trying to breathe through the discomfort. "Not strong enough. If I was I wouldn't be here. Wouldn't be.. sick. 's the demon blood Dean. Ever since I was a kid. Can't shake it, can't shake it. I'm not right."

Because it was the blood in the end. Azazel's blood that tainted him when he was just a child. That's why Dean was stronger. Why he'd always be stronger.

[onasteelhorse]

"You think i give a shit about that?" He shifted, trying to get Sam to look up at him instead of burying in against him like he was. He needed Sam to just look up, listen to him.

"Look, okay, so you've made some mistakes. So have I, Sammy, but you're good. You're such a good guy. I know you. You wouldn't hurt a freakin' fly... it doesn't matter what blood's in you. You just can't keep poisoning yourself with Ruby's, Sam. You can't let her keep getting in your head... she's trying to get in between us. She's trying to screw you over and I just-- I know it. I can't lose you, Sam."

Not to her, not to this suicide mission Sam's set for himself.

[hunter_returns]

He can barely see Dean through his tears, but he let Dean shift him around until he was looking up at his brother. God. Dean's always had such faith in him and he's never been sure he's worth that much.

That's when the memory slides back into place. Furious at Dean, telling him that he hated him. Dean, who's been his entire world for as long as he can remember. Shock and horror flicker across his face and he reached up, curling his fists in his shirt.

"Ohgod Dean. Ohgod I'm so sorry. 'm so fucking sorry. I didn't mean it."

How can he be a good guy when he said such terrible things to his brother? When he'd been so set on revenge that he'd nearly forgotten the reason why in the first place?

[onasteelhorse]

"Sammy..." He didn't want to think about what Sam was apologizing for. He was practically hysterical right now and all Dean could do is pull him in closer again, one hand going to rest at the back of his head to keep him cradled close.

"It's okay. You need to calm down, okay?"

[hunter_returns]

Grief and guilt and it's a miracle he's not hyperventilating. The spell helps again and he stuffs down the swell of upset, trying to calm himself down. "It's not okay Dean. Fuck. It's not. 'm sorry."

For everything. For saying he hated him, for arguing, for getting into the whole godforsaken mess.

[onasteelhorse]

"Sam, you don't even know what you're saying right now..." It was easier to brush it off, it was easier to hope that Sam meant a single word of it right now. He didn't want to set himself up for another blow if Sam realized how pissed he ought to be when his head cleared up.

"Maybe it's not right now, but it'll be okay soon. Just gotta get you better, Sam."

[hunter_returns]

“Yes I do,” there’s a sharpness to his voice as he pushed himself up. If there’s one thing that rankled Sam the most, it was being discounted like that. Second guessed. He’d put up with it for most of his childhood and over the years it had sparked most, if not all of the arguments between him and their father.

“I know exactly what I’m saying and it’s my fault. All of it. I knew she was playing me but.. I wanted to matter. I wanted to do something good with this demon blood in me.”

Wearily he scrubbed at his face. God. His head was still pounding and his mouth felt like an ashtray. “I didn’t mean it Dean. Any of it.”

OOC

[hunter_returns]

((Crack brain ahoy - at some point this spell totally needs to go to Dean's head. Like a year later, Dean tells Sam to do something and.. oh hey, he does it. Because the spell still works. And Dean cheerfully abuses his power for a night of shenanigans while being groused at))

OOC

[onasteelhorse]

((Haha, yes, dude. I love that idea. Dean would totally run with it, if only to see Sam's grumpy faces.))

Re: OOC

[hunter_returns]

Sam : Dean, I don't think we--
Dean: Sammy, shut your cake hole. Go wash the car.
Sam: .. oh you suck.
Dean: Don't forget to vacuum inside!

OOC

[onasteelhorse]

Hahaha, let's not forget the pie!

Dean is totally ordering Sam to bake him one. :D