Dean Winchester (
onasteelhorse) wrote2013-11-15 08:55 am
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Entry tags:
an exercise in control (for
hunter_returns)
It didn't escape Dean just how fucked up this was. But so was the whole situation, so what the hell, right? If it got Sam back, if it got him to see how that Ruby bitch was fucking with his head and helping him get hooked on something that was going to lead nowhere good... well, Dean could take the fall out. He'd take whatever hate Sam could throw at him, but he wasn't letting his brother damn himself like this.
He wasn't going to let Sammy turn himself into a monster.
So, he found a spell. He hated dealing in magic and witches, but if it all went right... well, it meant he'd have enough pull over Sam to get him to stop until he finished detoxing this time and hopefully realized just what the demon blood was doing to him.
To them both, really.
He was fucking terrified Sam was going to do something stupid, wind up in a worse situation. He couldn't let him, even if it meant betraying him in one of the worst ways.
The spell was cast though and all Dean had to do now was sit back in the tiny motel room and wait for Sam to get back from wherever he slipped off to today. He tried to play it casual, flipping through channels and fought down his nerves and conscience alike.
He wasn't going to let Sammy turn himself into a monster.
So, he found a spell. He hated dealing in magic and witches, but if it all went right... well, it meant he'd have enough pull over Sam to get him to stop until he finished detoxing this time and hopefully realized just what the demon blood was doing to him.
To them both, really.
He was fucking terrified Sam was going to do something stupid, wind up in a worse situation. He couldn't let him, even if it meant betraying him in one of the worst ways.
The spell was cast though and all Dean had to do now was sit back in the tiny motel room and wait for Sam to get back from wherever he slipped off to today. He tried to play it casual, flipping through channels and fought down his nerves and conscience alike.
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"Whatever," he finally forced out. "Jus' leave me wherever right?"
He can't focus enough to hold it together, certain that he's just going to shake himself apart in that cold little motel bathroom.
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"Dammit, Sam." He can't help the frustration building up. He's the one being told how much he's hated by the one guy who means the most to him and Sam's the one who gets to act like he's being thrown away. He bites back on that bitter feeling as he goes to the sink and wets a rag.
He's never dealt with Sam going through withdrawals, but he's dealt with him sick before. He can't leave him shivering on the bathroom floor like this. Kneeling down beside him, he reaches out to try to use the cloth on his face. "I don't get you, man. You went to sleep in the car because you couldn't stand being in the same room as me. I thought you wanted me to drop you off."
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Because you're ungrateful. We spent our lives protecting you when what I should have done was kill you when I learned what you really are.
His head snapped up, eyes wide and horrified. Seeing someone that wasn't there. "D-Dad? No. I'm.. I'm not. Not a monster. 'm making it right."
Which is why Dean had to resort to magic when what he should have done was shot you in the head. You got your mother killed. Jessica. You burn everything you touch to ash, Sam.
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His eyes flicked to where Sam's staring, terrified, before he reached for his face, trying to get him to look over. "Sammy, you're sick. Dad's not there, alright? He's not saying anything."
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Sam choked on a broken sound as Dean brought his attention back to him. "Shoulda let me go. Shoulda let me die." A year of self-destruction because he couldn't bear the thought that his brother sacrificed everything he was for him. Sammy who was never good enough, Sammy the runaway, Sammy and his freaky psychic thing that scared everyone.
"He's right."
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"He's not right. I'd die for you a million times over, dude. Trust me. You're worth it, alright?" Because Sam had his problems. He had a lot of darkness in him and Dean was seeing it more than he ever wanted to... but underneath all that? He was a good kid. He always had been.
Better than Dean. Smart, kind, always trying to do the exact right thing.
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Sobbing, Sam buried his face against his brother's shoulder. He can't be worth it. Sam Winchester, the boy with demon blood, destined to be a monster.
"How do I stop it?" he finally managed. "Dean. I don't know how. How do I stop it?"
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He doesn't know if Sam will really stay when his head clears up again, if he'll be back to being angry and hating him, but right now? His brother is crying and asking him what to do. He can't ignore that. When has he ever been able to ignore it when Sam really needs him?
"Promise you, we'll find a way to make it okay."
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His hands twist in his shirt as he shakes, awkwardly curled up in his lap as the tremors take him. "Hurts," he pants, trying to get even closer. "God Dean, it hurts."
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It's not like he wants his brother to suffer. That's pretty much always the opposite of what he wants... but this is for the best. It's what he keeps reminding himself as he holds Sam tighter and rubs his hand up his spine in soothing motions.
"We need to get you to bed."
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"Dean.. don't go," he pleads. "Please."
When Dean was gone, that's when his life tended to spiral out of control. Dean kept him strong, kept him safe.
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"Don't know if you'll feel that way when you're feeling better, but I ain't leaving anytime soon, Sammy."
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Dean. Dean. He could focus on that. On his brother holding him close and soothing him.
"'m not strong. Not like you. Can't.. can't do it alone." He never could.
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"You're not alone. I'm right here until you tell me to go, Sam."
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"I'm sorry," he chokes. "Dean 'm so sorry."
Anything. As long as he'd stay.
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"It'll be okay. I promise. Just trust me, okay?"
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He doesn't move for twelve hours, exhaustion and addiction having driven his body well past it's limits.
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Or -- well, whatever. He was so far from okay and he knew it.
"You sleep okay?"
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"I should get up, Sam. You're gonna need to eat, if you can."
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"O-okay. I'll try Dean. I will."
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"Need anything else?"
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"No. 'm okay. Just tired."
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OOC
OOC
Re: OOC
OOC