onasteelhorse | an exercise in control (for hunter

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[rp partner]: hunter_returns

an exercise in control (for hunter_returns)

It didn't escape Dean just how fucked up this was. But so was the whole situation, so what the hell, right? If it got Sam back, if it got him to see how that Ruby bitch was fucking with his head and helping him get hooked on something that was going to lead nowhere good... well, Dean could take the fall out. He'd take whatever hate Sam could throw at him, but he wasn't letting his brother damn himself like this.

He wasn't going to let Sammy turn himself into a monster.

So, he found a spell. He hated dealing in magic and witches, but if it all went right... well, it meant he'd have enough pull over Sam to get him to stop until he finished detoxing this time and hopefully realized just what the demon blood was doing to him.

To them both, really.

He was fucking terrified Sam was going to do something stupid, wind up in a worse situation. He couldn't let him, even if it meant betraying him in one of the worst ways.

The spell was cast though and all Dean had to do now was sit back in the tiny motel room and wait for Sam to get back from wherever he slipped off to today. He tried to play it casual, flipping through channels and fought down his nerves and conscience alike.

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What he was doing was the right thing. He was taking the demon blood that had meant to turn him into a soldier of Hell and turning it against demons. Ruby was just helping him tap that power, making him stronger, making him a force for doing things that were right. He was helping people and the blood was only making him more powerful.

They’d trapped another demon, questioned it about Lilith – because he was going to hunt her down, make her pay for what she’d done to Dean. How she’d made both of them suffer. The demon questioned, Sam ripped the thing free, crumbling it to ash. Revenge was dangerous, but every time he shut his eyes he could see Dean flinching, hurt by his time in Hell and someone had to pay for that. Dean had been through that because of him. To save him.

Ruby had dropped him off and Sam stumbled getting out of the car, hit by an odd wave of dizziness that seemed to swamp him for only a moment.

Still a little jittery from using so much power and riding high off of Ruby’s blood – smoke and heat still on his lips – Sam walked back to the motel where Dean was waiting.

“Hey. Didn’t expect you to still be up.” Casual. Completely casual.

"Couldn't sleep." When could he ever anymore anyway? Not without a lot of booze to numb any nightmares anyway... or Sam close by, but he wasn't ever sure when he was going to have that anymore, that constant reassurance that his brother was alive and safe. That he'd sacrificed himself for the right reason.

Not that his brother was particularly safe right now, not with the shit he was pulling.

He let out a sigh and shifted up on to his elbows. "Come here." It was a casual, general command. If his spell worked? Well, hopefully he'd do what he said without really getting suspicious.

Not that he particularly wanted Sam next to him when he knew he'd probably still have the smell of that bitch on him, but whatever.

Something had changed in the last few months, they were talking to each other but not like they used to. Shallow conversation and blatant lies when that didn't do the trick. Dean was waiting up for him and they both knew it.

But he wasn't angling for a fight. What he wanted was a hot shower and at least five hours of sleep before they hit the road again. He was so close to Lilith.. achingly close. Sam had every intention of ignoring him, of making up some excuse and heading for the shower instead.

.. so why were his feet carrying him back towards the bed?

"What's up? Bobby get a lead on something?"

"It's not about a case, Sam." As relieved as he'd felt to be back topside, to see Sam again... it felt like there was still a wall between them. This distance he had no idea how to cross anymore.

That was the weirdest feeling, not knowing how to deal with his own brother anymore. Hell, he'd practically raised the kid.

"What, you can't spare a few minutes to toss back a beer, Sam?"

A year for him, forty for Dean, it didn't seem to matter. They weren't talking to each other as much as they were talking at each other. But he'd found his calling, what he needed to do.

Dean would understand, before the end. He was doing this for him, doing this because of what Lilith had done to him.

"Yeah," A quick detour to the rattly old refrigerator in the corner and Sam retrieved a pair of bottles. They could do that. Pretend that things weren't strained between them.

"You, ah, you talk to Cas lately?" The angel was another story. Dean thought the sun rose and set on that guy but the way Cas looked at him.. like he was beneath him. Sam tried, he really did. But he could never seem to make much headway.

The thing was... the last thing Dean wanted was for Sam to do this for him. He was back. They'd won. Revenge had gotten them fucked over so may times that Dean was tired of it.

But Sam was stubborn. More stubborn than Dad he thought sometimes.

"Not yet." He sighed as he reached for one of the bottles, frowning. "Don't know what's up, but I doubt it's anything good. Got an idea where we're heading in the morning?"

But it was on him, every time Dean flinched, every time he bolted up in the middle of the night gasping for air. Dean went to Hell because of him. Because he hadn't turned in time, hadn't heard the attack coming. Should have been faster, should have been better.

He hadn't though. He'd died and Dean had sacrificed everything for him.

"Probably not." Not with the way Castiel looked at him. And not with the way he looked at Dean. "There aren't many seals left."

A long swallow. "There's got to be a way to stop her."

Dean had done it for Sam... he didn't regret it. He didn't want Sam to make it right and he damn sure didn't want it at the cost of his brother.

"Sam--" He let out a sigh. So much for a pleasant night, but he can't shy away from this to pretend like they're actually okay with each other. "Do you really think killing her is going to change a damn thing for me? What happened back then?"

A year on his own, mired in grief and guilt and misery. A year of begging anyone who would listen to take him instead. Dean might not regret his choice, bit Sam sure as hell did.

He exhaled, staring down at his bottle. "I don't know. But I have to do something. I have to stop her. After everything she did to you.. I have to."

"It's my fault."

"But it's not, dammit." He sat up, leaning closer to Sam, eyes narrowing on him.

"Sam, I made the deal. It wasn't your fault I couldn't live without you. What the hell's gonna happen if you kill her, Sam?" There's an edge of desperation to his voice now as he reached over to touch his shoulder.

"I just got back and it's like I'm losing you all over again, man. I'm telling you, this road you're on... it's not gonna lead anywhere good."

"It's been my fault since the day Azazel have me his blood. Everything I touch, it falls apart, burns up. Dad, Mom, Jess, you," he choked.

"I have to find some way to make it right. This is the only way." Sam didn't care what happened to him. As long as he found some way to make up for the lives he destroyed.

"You went to Hell because of me. It'll always be on me, Dean. Always."

"I'm not in Hell. I'm right here, Sammy, and what I need right now is my brother... not revenge." Not that he expected that'd work. It hadn't yet.

His hand dropped back to his side and he let out a sigh.

"Does that even matter to you anymore?" It wasn't fair, he knew it, to throw that on Sam. But the distance between them was worse than anything right now, made everything feel that much more crushing and weighty because he was bearing the brunt of it on his on.

Sam rocked back as if he'd been struck.

"Does it matter? Dean that's all that matters. You're out of hell but I can still see it. Every time you wake up from a nightmare, every time you think I'm not looking, I can still see it."

He dragged a hand across his face. "You were in hell. I was alone. What was I supposed to do without you? Pretend everything was fine? It wasn't."

"I can't let this go. Not until she's dead. Until I've pulled her out and made damn sure she can't hurt anyone else."

"You can see it. You can see it. Sam, I'm living with it and even I don't give a shit about that bitch right now. What I care about is you... and I'm sick of fighting with you over this. I'm sick of watching you throw everything away."

And as much as he didn't want to do this, didn't want to control Sam... "Stop seeing Ruby, Sam. Say you will. At least let it be just you and me on this one."

He's sick of fighting. He's finally strong enough to be more than Sammy the burden and Dean is asking him to stop?

"Dean, I," Sam chokes for a moment. "I'll stop seeing Ruby. Just you and me."

His eyes go wide. That.. was not what he'd meant to say. Not even close.

"Dean?"

He thought maybe he could relax if he heard those words, but... no. He can't, because Sam isn't making the choice for him really. He didn't make the choice at all.

"What, Sam?"

He's tired. That's all.

"Nothing. I'm.. I'm gonna grab a shower and go to bed. I don't want to have this fight again."

Soon, this would all be over. Lilith would be dead and then they could finally move on, finally find some peace.

"Yeah, because this is my favorite fight too, Sam." He shook his head, but didn't try to stop him. He's just as tired, just as worn out. What he wants is to try for a few hours sleep.

"Go ahead, go shower."

He got up, heading for the bathroom with a distant frown on his face and it wasn't just the same old fight that was troubling him.

Something felt.. off. Like he couldn't get his shower until he'd been told to. But that was insane, right?

He'd check the wards after his shower. Just to be sure. They were too close to stop now.

If it all went like it should, Sam would... hopefully leave Ruby alone, stick with him at least. Hell, he'd hunt Lilith down, find a way to kill her... fine. Whatever. He just wanted it to be them though, like it's always been and without some bitch corrupting his baby brother.

With some of his worries eased though, he shifted back on the bed and pulled the covers up over him to grab some sleep.

Or try. He wasn't all that convinced he'd get much of it, but he'd try. Better than fighting at least.

What Sam wanted to do was crawl into bed with Dean after his shower. Find some moment of warmth with his arms wrapped around him. He could lie to himself with Ruby in his arms, but Sam wasn’t a fool. He knew that Ruby didn’t care about him, not like that. She was helping him, but she was still a demon.

Still toweling off his hair, Sam tossed his clothes in the laundry duffel, leaving his phone on the table.

buzz

Picking up his phone, he checked the number. Ruby had said she’d call if she had news on Lilith.

So why was he putting the phone down and walking away? She had news, he had to talk to her. Forcing himself to turn around, Sam picked up the phone again.

And turned it off.

What the hell?

His eyes drifted back towards Dean’s bed. No. No, he wouldn’t go there, wouldn’t do that. Not after everything they’d been through.

Right?

“What did you do?”

Dean thought about pretending to be asleep, ignore Sam's question for as long as he could... contrary to what Sam might claim after this, what he'd done had been an absolute last ditch effort to save him. It wasn't settling right... he didn't want his brother to obey his every damn command, take away his choices.

But what could he do when he was doing everything the absolute wrong way? The way that was going to turn him into a monster, into something that won't give Dean a choice in hunting or not?

"What are you talking about?"

Classic evasion, his mind supplied. But there was still a part of Sam that didn’t believe his brother would go that far, to steal away his ability to make a choice. But then again, a lot had changed between them and none of it was good. Sam moved to pick up the phone again, his thumb hovering over the power button and no matter how much he might want to press the button – he couldn’t.

“You heard me. What did you do Dean?”

Taking away his choices. Just like Dad. Deciding for him because everyone knew what was better for him. If anyone would know how badly that would sit with him it would be his own brother.

A vial of blood. It’s stashed in his jacket – emergency supply he’d told himself. Just incase. They were on a dangerous hunt and he needed all the advantages he could get.

And he can’t go get it. Because it’s part of Ruby and he’d told Dean..

The cell phone hit the wall, shattering on impact.

"Jesus, Sam." He sat up at the sudden impact, startled. He shouldn't be, probably. Sam's temper had been through the roof lately and that was saying something.

"Calm down, would you?" He didn't know how to evade this... mostly because lying to Sam never settled right with him. It didn't mean that he didn't know how to do it though, wouldn't do it...

"I've been at the motel all freaking night, Sam. You're the one who was out, remember? Running around with her, doing God only knows what, right?"

He’d had issues with his temper his whole life, why should now be any different?

Leave it to Dean to attack Ruby when all she was doing was making him stronger, making him better. “I’ve been out hunting demons, Dean! Finding out where Lilith is and what seal she’s going to go for next. Cas has got nothing and if he does, he’s not sharing. We’re finishing this job. You don’t like what I can do, don’t trust it but it’s a part of me, Dean. I can do something good with it. Find Lilith and put an end to this.”

Because he had to prove that his power could be for something good. That he wasn’t some monster that their Dad thought he’d be.

“I’m doing the job.”

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an exercise in control (for hunter_returns)

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